its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
