I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
