beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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