I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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