1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
