Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize