You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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