My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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