dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
