I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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