You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize