I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
