chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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