nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
