oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
