News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
