dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
