how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
