when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
