did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come back. Shots need mouths.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
