My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dear god my vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
