I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize