I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
