time to smoke my breakfast
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
