Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
