You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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