She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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