seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize