ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
