I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
