Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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