I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
