Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
