how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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