but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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