i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
did i just pee glitter
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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