Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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