Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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