I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
