Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
