is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
