Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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