I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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