I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize