He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am available for nakedness
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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