It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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