Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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