# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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