idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
