This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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