ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
