My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We left the knife in your bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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