My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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