I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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