jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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