Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
