I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
