I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
