I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
