Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
