My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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