Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
this is an emotional support booty call
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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