They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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