walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
