She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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